A post contributed by Tracy Weaver, Life Coach, EFT Practitioner:
My wife and I were enjoying lunch in our quiet kitchen today, busily minding someone else’s business, fixing their dilemma our way. Suddenly, Cindy threw her napkin down and said, “Not my circus, not my monkeys!” It stopped me dead in my tracks and got me grinning. “Where in the world did you hear that?” I asked. We both knew we had heard it somewhere before, but neither of us had any idea where. So, I grabbed my phone and looked it up. An old Polish saying, as it turns out, available on coffee cups, signs and other printable accessories. Oh sure, you can just say “Not my problem.” if you want to, but this old Polish saying has so much more juice to it.
Although we both regularly get caught in the net of old habits, we really are learning to be more discerning about whether a matter is our business at all, and whether we should be involved. As it turns out, not nearly as often as we had thought. We have learned to look at the balance of our own time and energy first. Also, when we have poked our noses into other peoples’ problems, we have many times found our intrusion to be resented and our wise solutions totally ignored. And we usually don’t want other people providing that unasked-for service for us either.
If you think you might like to disentangle yourself from this habit too, the first question to ask yourself is “What am I really getting out of this?” I’m talking about the resulting feeling you derive, the emotional something you get from the behavior. Trust me, if you have a long-standing habit of fixing other people’s problems, you are getting something of emotional value from it. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be nearly as quick to offer. Is it adulation, respect, being in the limelight, reaffirming that you know best and therefore are of great value, or the nice feeling of being needed?
If you are coming up with altruistic, noble reasons, you haven’t reached bottom yet; keep digging down! One effective way to the truth is to pay particular attention to your emotions the next time you take on the project of someone else’s dilemma, all the way through the experience. Keep a little journal of your feelings as you go through the process, with as much self-honesty as you can muster.
There’s another aspect to this as well; if you always fix problems for other people, how are they going to learn to solve problems for themselves? You are teaching them to lean on you instead of giving them the opportunity to develop the confidence and skills to tackle challenges on their own. If you really feel they are not up to the challenge, you could suggest an approach for them to take, but make sure they do the work. They will get a boost in self-esteem and you might find that you enjoy your new role as an experienced teacher who is known for their light touch. Also, it will demand far less time and work on your part, leaving more time for you to pursue your own interests and progress.
So, feel free to tape this somewhere on your wall where you will see it when you need a little reminder:
Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys!
Presence and Positivity 