Light…and Then Pure Joy

Mid May of 2019 I miscarried at home with the permission of my Doctor and Midwife. I was a little far along for what many doctors prefer for ‘at home miscarriage’ when it is to be medically induced. Medically inducing miscarriage is a kind way, in my opinion, to not live ‘held hostage’ to a hard day within a month’s time of your life. So I set myself up for the mess and sadness and let it flow. What no one expected was the hemorrhage to come. I could speak on many events of this 24 hours, but my emphasis here is simple and clear.

I passed the fetus and figured the rest was fairly smooth sailing in the devastation of the day and week. Within minutes I realized that an enormous amount of bleeding was continuing and not showing its end or ebb. It came to a point when sitting up, by myself, I all of the sudden went numb. My eyes closed and I saw a bright light flash calmly and heard my children laughing in the front yard. I saw them in my mind running in circles gleefully as if there was a sprinkler but it was just sunshine, green grass and our collective joy. I felt immense peace, complete calm and simplicity seeing them and realizing that this was my life. The sadness and dramatic hormonal shifts had swiftly left and it was all absolutely simple – there was joy.

I write this to say that life is stressful and sad. That day and week was anything but happy as I grieved and watched my family grieve. Yet in that moment of bleeding out and leaving this world – as I know it – for just a moment, there was pure, undefined joy. Is it possible, can we entertain that THAT is real and the rest – illusion.

I mean to remember this is the hardest times as a human in this physical world that we run through.