Presence – Presence and Positivity

Work in Progress

I’ve been in my drafts folder the last week or so. Here’s another post written in 2020. I mostly still agree with what I wrote then, especially the last paragraph and as for the rest I suppose the excessive wordiness led to the resolution, so I’ll accept it as necessary to my process. ☺️

Five Years Ago:

When lines become attached across various aspects of our life so that the heart and mind also become intertwined, we can feel conflict between the two. When the heart and mind are separate from one another, we can instead develop an interest in what causes conflict and resolve response to our interests. The ability to separate SELF from mind where emotions reside creates room to instead reside in the heart from where purity of right action stems.

Facing conflict can release disguise of avoidance under appropriateness. What can be learned in staying with a situation that appears to present inappropriateness or conflict of interest if you are willing to abstain from your own interests – to deeply examine those, set them aside, and let something larger than you work in your stead?

The external is a reflection of the internal. We bring about situations externally to assist us in resolving what is unseen internally. This is not intentionally manipulated to be so in most cases; it is simply the nature of our world.

If there is no conflict internally, no conflict will show externally. If a conflict arises in the external, can it merely be a reminder to release the ego or does it need to be cut away externally to appease the internal discomfort created by perceived conflict? If the ego is released will not conflict fall away on it’s own?

Perhaps there’s no such thing as conflict of interest, only mind that seeks to be in balance, and the choice of working in the external or internal so that one can reflect the other as desired. Choose the inside work, otherwise the situation will show itself to you time and time again, though the faces and setting may be varied. Growth in peace with what is, as it is, will allow you to dissolve anything external that challenges your comfort.

– from a Chihuly exhibit at The Biltmore in 2024

(Not a huge fan of the Biltmore but a very big fan of this artist & his team. 💕)

Anonymous

It was the anonymity. He wanted to be unknown, unpossessed by others’ knowledge of him. That was freedom.

— Ling Ma

Quite a while back I was taken by the idea of paying it forward, inspired to choose random folks and random acts of kindness whenever the mood struck me. Typically this would be expressed out and about where crossing paths again if spotted was less likely. As my personal yoga practice grew and my heart space more embodied, I began bringing the giving in closer to home as well — perhaps dropping off something unexpected here or there but staying anonymous. It was fun, there were no expectations, and no one had a person to tie in to the act of receiving so we were all free in the experience.

At one point I had my kids looped in after we first moved to our current sanctuary and we made quite the summer day of shopping for our neighbors, stuffing bags full of whatever snacks and treats a 7 and 10 year old may choose, and then driving around to the 52 mail boxes to leave the shares anonymously. We would drive a little, park, all jump out with bags and scatter, then repeat until it was complete. One or two folks saw us but what unfolded later on the neighborhood list serve was just as fun; no one who posted actually saw us though they described a vehicle and people not like us and they had a bit of entertainment speculating. It was decided we had neighborhood fairies and they were all quite happy with their bags. Over the years people have still mentioned it and just last week (9 years later) a neighbor told me she thought it was us and that she still has the stickers my kids put in the bag.

I still appreciate a sweet pay it forward moment these days and I’ve come to the place of being able to own my sharing now too, but it wasn’t always easy for me when my name was attached because of the complexities that are possible with giving and receiving.

I spoke with my counselor about these shares back when the kids and I made the best of that summer day and she suggested I do this more personally in a way where I was allowed to be seen. It wasn’t comfortable, but I leaned into who in my community may be able to receive with an open heart and set about sharing baked goods or otherwise in various scenarios. With time, this grew into steady cycles in my life of giving and receiving without strings attached. I can give, receive, stay present, and be seen with ease. In a recent instance, I dropped off a share at one home and within twenty minutes someone else from another household had left a share at my home! I really took a long joyful pause that day with how wonderful it can be to step into the flow of giving without expectation; you may not have the freedom of anonymity but you may gain a sense of rightness with life that comes from being seen by others.

Both are good for different reasons.

Treasure

Written in 2020 —

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”. After a little fun yesterday setting up a treasure hunt with one of my children for anyone who may like a diversion in the neighborhood, I’m thinking one mans treasure is not necessarily valuable to everyone because at least the first person who found it, checked the bag and left it assembled differently. To me that’s a lovely thing too because whoever that was didn’t value what they found enough to take it along with them and if something doesn’t match up with you, it certainly need not be a part of your journey. Where our values live helps us to connect with others who hold similar views and pass when not. The little bag makes me think of relationships in another way too: how many times have you met someone, spent some time with them, and found yourself altered after time together? Maybe after checking each other out something just didn’t line up or maybe it did for a time and then it was done. C’est la vie.

Nearsighted

When looking to understand something or someone, try to hold off on categorizing too soon. Give it time to reveal itself naturally.

We can often be mistaken in our labeling, seeing one thing that is truly something else altogether.

Perhaps that first assumption plays its part well enough but the details have their value in color, form, and saturation. If you take your time with all the information while giving every aspect breathing space and permission to be different than you thought, you may be pleasantly surprised by the freedom from limiting labels.

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We Women

I have been blessed with a lens into the most beautiful support from women in the last few years that allows one to hope for a nurturing future of how we connect to one another in community. Honestly, I have been lucky to have a handful of wonderful friendships from a young age with girls who have become lovely women. I know not every woman is so fortunate, however, the choices for women are evolving. I have been part of a group of women who are absolutely dedicated to supporting each other however they show up for the love of sacred feminine energy re-emerging on this planet. That means all judgements and comparisons are dropped and competition is not entertained as necessary or desirable, and not just because a woman has aged out of being perceived as a threat; acceptance is offered with camaraderie simply because you showed up. Wow, yes to more of this!

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We all have our own paths and learn how to be in the world based on our familial exposures and that cannot escape the over culture that creates our conditioning on a larger scale. I grew up in a household of a working mother and my closest friends in elementary as well as middle school had mothers that stayed at home and maybe who decided to work when they were older, some in traditional systems and one as an artist from her own space. My mother focused on work outside the home and with time became the breadwinner of our family. It was a different dynamic than the other households of my friends. I noticed their mothers were more relaxed and perhaps happier in some regards while I knew my own mother was pleased with what she had been able to create in her life after marrying my father while still in high school. I was proud of my mom and felt she was an excellent example of dedication to making the best of your circumstances.

Years down the line, I was surprised when I found myself desiring to stay at home with my children, and I felt it created an assumed point of disappointment with my mother though now I know differently. Before this — my work as an elementary music teacher had already faced the judgement of females who had chosen careers of more influence and power. I found as I moved in the world as an early twenty something that elementary public education was not so valued by many. Parents of students were unbelievably disrespectful and colleges of my at the time husband who was studying medicine on occasion belittled the work calling it “cute” or “adorable” (never his male colleges by the way, only the females) which when I was still living from an immature ego myself, infuriated me. I felt my work was important but also that because it was with children, knew it was perceived as less valuable. This is nonsense, of course, because music works across both hemispheres of the brain to create better coordination and advanced thinking as well as providing an emotional processing platform for youth among other things. Working with children is an incredibly powerful point of shifting the future reality of humanity as we mold the subconscious and nurture belief systems with more ease at that impressionable period of life. If you want to make a change, do it within yourself and then with your children.

With my spiritual work and diligence to changing patterns within the familial line that I knew were not going to be passed on to my children and enough years staying at home to deeply accept my choice, I now no longer care how I am perceived by a woman who has chosen differently. I knew what I had to do once the children were here and I have the good fortunate of being supported in doing so for which I am eternally grateful. I didn’t want the rearing of my children in the hands of paid providers. There’s nothing like being faced with your ingrained patterns as well as those of the other parent day in and out, and work outside of your home can make the perfect escape so that outdated patterns persist. Can you work and make these changes? Yes, absolutely, if you are self aware with a want to improve, you can. Can you stay at home and ignore needed change? Yes, absolutely. Immersion made the way clear here.

These life experiences have created for me a vantage point of total support for other women in whatever they choose so long as their hearts are happy and they have the support they need in however their paths take direction. However, I sometimes still encounter a woman who carries a sharp edge in her tone for the woman who stays at home, maybe she dismisses her as less important than other woman who work or makes defensive comments for her choice. While I don’t care how I am perceived, I do care for the good of women and the connections women are able to form. If the working woman can see that the work of living everyday for every person has its inherent value regardless of the system or the kind of work — it would release her from judgement. If the woman working feels judged as somehow less of a mother or less of a woman, how far from the truth is that? It’s only as true as we give it belief. If the woman choosing to stay at home can be at peace with the work she is offering as just as valid as whatever current societal stories are pitching, we may all be able to claim our womanhood for however it fits each of us best. We are all Goddesses, as far I am concerned and we are all working, children or not.

If we could drop these judgements, how much better would we all be?

Imagine if we replaced all the judging and comparison with lifting each other up. What if we women united and allowed ourselves to be in the energy of fierce love and devotion to one another simply because we can see that’s where real influence and power can thrive for the good of us all?

Whatever You Call God

Jessica, the lovely soul who began this blog with me back in 2016, reached out yesterday to share a video she found of the actor James Van Der Beek speaking on his experience of cancer and being stripped of the roles that defined his worth.

When we were in high school, Jess and I were extras in the pilot of Dawson’s Creek which became his claim to fame in the roll of a small town boy seeking a career in film making. While neither she or I watched the series in full and there was no direct exchange with this man during those days on set, we both felt a little extra jolt around death in midlife. I’m sure many folks in this age range feel the passing of a well known 40something in a certain kind of way for his familial loss and life not lived.

His vision was towards recovery during this recording and his words from the heart:

View Video HERE

Seek Within

O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again. — Shakespeare

So often we look outside ourselves for something to be satiated internally. We want people to love us so that we feel a certain way or we want a thing that will help us embody a particular energy – maybe confidence or desirability. We want someone else to tell us or show us we are good enough. At the root of it all, we are seeking love and quite possibly we look for our divinity everywhere but inside. If someone else sees us in our best light or appreciates something about us, it must mean we are lovable and that can be addictive. You can find yourself chasing illusory love through achievements, big ticket items, grand experiences, or the presence of another reflecting your divine birthright of love —- or you can give that source energy to yourself and be delighted when someone else offers you the same without a sense of longing.

Longing is not in and of itself bad , (it may ultimately lead you to a spiritual path) but it can leave you feeling pretty out of sorts until you see it for what it is: an invitation to seek within, to hold yourself with what you wish to be reflected back, and to know YOU dearest one are love.

Stag Gazing

This morning there was the most beautiful visitor passing along the trail that runs through my yard. He’s probably my favorite passerby yet; there’s just something majestic about them that makes me hold my breath in their presence. With that stilled breathing, my heart slows too and I sink into deep appreciation for nature and the wisdom a stag seems to carry with his crown.

The Stags by Kathleen Jamie

This is the multitude, the beasts

you wanted to show me, drawing me

upstream, all morning up through wind-

scoured heather to the hillcrest.

Below us, in the next glen, is the grave

calm brotherhood, descended

out of winter, out of hunger, kneeling

like the signatories of a covenant;

their weighty, antique-polished antlers

rising above the vegetation

like masts in a harbor, or city spires.

We lie close together, and though the wind

whips away our man-and-woman smell, every

stag-face seems to look toward us, toward,

but not to us: we’re held, and hold them,

in civil regard. I suspect you’d

hoped to impress me, to lift to my sight

our shared country, lead me deeper

into what you know, but loath

to cause fear you’re already moving

quietly away, sure I’ll go with you,

as I would now, almost anywhere.

Ain’t Misbehavin’

Traditionally interpreted as a song about staying true to another person, the title by Fats Waller dropped into my mind for another reason: staying true to you. For the purposes of this post, “misbehave” means behaving in any way that isn’t authentic to your essence; it’s any action or non action that is an untrue expression of your soul signature. So stepping away from conventional standards if those have you in their grip, is essential to know if you’re behavin’ or misbehavin’. You may also need to allow a lot of space around what you’ve been conditioned to believe is right and good as well as timeline management on what needs to happen when, if it applies to you behavin’. Here it can be especially important to remember that we humans have created time and the ideas around how life *should be mapped out. Just go ahead and let yourself drop any should right now unless you’re applying it to what feels true to your heart and brings peace to your mind while upholding the highest good of all. This may also require looking at what the “highest good” means with a soft heart and deep trust in the intelligence of your emotional body.

Baba Yaga’s Call

We are at the threshold of the Snow Moon today and it’s Imbolc as well. It feels as if the Bone Mother calls on those ready to dive into fierce introspection. She is a prominent Slavic figure depicted in folklore as a sort of wicked grandmother. She is a powerful, wise, forest-dweller who may help you or devour you depending on the way wild nature moves through her when you cross paths. She represents the space between the living and the unknown, owning fears, and standing face to face with the untamed parts of yourself while opening to initiate radical transformation. She’s not too unlike the Hindu Goddess Kali in some respects, but Baba Yaga claims the power of the Crone; the old woman that many seek to overlook through repression as useless and no longer desirable. That’s a trick, of course, to keep you from knowing her as an archetypal ascended master.

If she doesn’t scare you off, consider calling on her for support in your shadow work under the last Full Moon of this Wood Snake Lunar Year. Ways to support yourself with the final shed through shadow integration:

Confront Fears: Make a Trigger Board. You may have heard of Vision Boards and you may or may not have had good luck with those. They can be an excellent tool for creating new experiences if your fears aren’t holding you back in some way. To Make a Trigger Board, you may only need tools for visuals of words and some paper with honest reflection about your triggers. List the things that you know hold you back. If words are effective enough for you, let that be but if visuals are more helpful, bring in printed images or magazine cut outs of the images that are going to be most helpful to your true processing of what holds you back. Write and/or cut and paste with intention on the paper or poster board of your choosing.
Devour Fears: Hold the words and images in your view. Consider ways you may respond differently. You may have to devour your ego to do this successfully. Invite an image of Baba Yaga into your mind and ask her how to devour your ego. Ask her how to gobble up your fears. Give some quiet space to see what surfaces as an answer or answers. Be gentle with yourself as you do this. Don’t rush through the quiet space, in fact, let there be more quiet space than you think you need.
Reclaim Your Power: Aim to be open to the different responses you gather. Let yourself imagine moving past any triggers and fears with as much loving grace as possible. Spend time seeing yourself reclaim your power in any scenario where you may have gone quiet before, questioned yourself, or reworked back into a known pattern instead of progressing in a way that would help you to make the gains you seek. Comfort sometimes becomes more appealing than change and we stay in ruts we know aren’t helping us. This is a time to be honest about that. Create visuals in your mind or externally of how you feel after you’ve moved past your fear and revisit these as often as you need to convince yourself it’s better on the other side of comfort and fear.
Forest as Reset: Get into the woods if you can after your trigger work. Let Nature hold you and help you to self-heal. Be with the earth in reverence and witness yourself moving with a lighter heart. Earth will hold you every chance you give her.

Sending so many good wishes to the brave souls approaching shadow work. If you find yourself in too deep, remember to call on a therapist to assist you. Some caverns are deeper than others and asking for support to help you out of there may be what’s needed! Love yourself enough to do what’s right for you.